Ave Maria......

It's rant time.

This 'Floom" that I am trying soooooooooooooo hard to shake off is not my fault.

In February this year I told my boss that I have rheumatoid arthiritis and that I didn't know how much longer I could keep up the pace.  I also told him I was OK for now but that it was important he knew and understood that sometimes I will get tired and a bit cranky.  I explained about chronic pain but also that I know how to manage that.  I reminded him that the only sick leave I have taken in the past few years was once when I had the flu myself and a couple of times when I had a bout of vertigo and had to be taken to the doctor ( a remnant of the virus).  There was also the time I had a few days off when my husband had to have reconstructive surgery on his face after being wacked in the face with a pool cue by an inmate at work.  I told him that I had a 2-year plan.

I was honest.


I did the honourable thing.


I ended up in a meeting with the HR guy being told I might have to be performance managed and that they would help me to find another job.

Three weeks later in March I am back in there and being offered an alternative job.  This new role was one whole classification level below my current level, close to $30,000 p.a. less pay if it was full-time.  But it was not full-time. It was 0.8 - or 4 days per week.  It meant I had to travel a further 10 kms to work each day and would now have to pay for parking and use my own car.  In my current job I have perks - a car for one thing.  Bleeding money I was supposed to take up a project position with a woman NO ONE wants to work with because she is a lazy, arrogant bitch.  "Oh don't worry" they told me - we would maintain your current salary for 3 months ( gee thanks!). 

My manager was talking it all up to me and I was trying to keep a lid on the Vesuvious that was my rage.  24 years in this department.  I have worked my way up... and I have W O R K E D !!!!  24 years and my 34 year old boss is trying to put me out to pasture because I told him the truth about my medical condition.

For the first time in my life I understood what it means to be disabled and how the prejudice can shatter your world.  My mantra in every conversation with him since then has been " I have a physical disability, there is nothing wrong with my brain!".

I confess it sucked the life right out of me.

Prior to this I had taken my 10 months of Long service leave.  I had started a blog, joined facebook and had fun and rest.  I had forgotten all about my all-consuming job for which I am on-call 24/7 365 days of the year.  I had found new friends and re-connected with some old ones that I had missed so much but just didn't have the energy for. I sent time in the garden and discovered photographing it was wonderful fun.

I went back to work on 30 January 2012.   By the end of February the floor of  my professional world had started to crumble.  By Easter my husband had cancer and faced the loss of a kidney. In April I am physically and mentally exhausted.  I get the flu again - badly.  In May I am trying to get through each day stifling sobs of frustration and rage.  I see an ad for a secondment in a rural office doing the same job I do here in the city.  I applied.  I got it.  Of course I got it. I am good at what I do and everyone in this department knows it.  They couldn't believe their luck.  They paid for the accommodation so I could stay up there all week.  My husband and son were supportive.  We cooked and froze meals for them.  I went to the country and was welcomed for 8 weeks.  I loved it.  They wanted my opinions and they actually asked me to teach them things.

In mid-August I come back to my regular job.  My replacement had left 2 weeks earlier.  He took my vehicle, a great 4-wheel drive - brand new - and left me another one that was dirty inside and out and a sedan.  My boss decides he doesn't want to deal with it.  It's a boy's club I guess.  I tell him that was the only car that I could get into and out of without wincing in pain.  He doesn't seem to care.

I am getting madder and madder as each day and week passes.  I have cleaned up most of the screw ups and backlog that was left for me.  I have cleaned up the car.  I am back on top of everything at this office and I am again doing things that all the managers are supposed to be doing, but are not, and then some.  I make a comment to this effect one day when I find out that I am the ONLY manager who provided feedback as requested on a draft document.  I say well if I am the only one I should get a pay rise. The response "I thought it was part of your job description."  My reaction?  "Well then if that's true then the other managers should get a pay cut!"  He is not amused.

Well .... I AM NOT AMUSED!!!!

I am pissed off spectacularly.

And.. as if all this is not enough... I have to sell my house.  Why?  Because it is 2-storeys and big.  We can't look after it with me not being able to do all the things I used to do.  I am heart-broken.  All those pics of my garden, my flowers and trees will be all that remain of my 17 years in this house - my dream house.

I am devastated beyond words.   Some days I feel as if my chest is going to explode.  Other days I feel like I am smothering.

If you are still with me during this rant with no pictures, don't worry.  I am not one to give up.  I just need to spend a little more time licking my wounds.  Then one morning I will wake up and BAM!  Things will start to happen.... fast.  That's how I am.

Till then I will go on.  Every day I will help my staff with their various problems, professional and personal (They think I am a very wise old woman when they don't hate my guts.  LOL.)  Every day I will do my job better than most of my peers.  Every day I will deal with the spectre of cancer that came into our lives this year. Every day I will climb those wretched stairs and every day I will tend my garden for someone else's pleasure in the not-too-distant-future.  Every day I will take my pills and every Friday I will stick that needle into my thigh so I can walk more freely.  Every day will pass and I will marvel that it did so.  Every day I will look out of the window in the morning and track the growth of my plants.  Every day I will hug my son who has become a man yet takes the time to kiss me on the cheek.  Every day I will look at my husband and wonder how we dodged that C bullet and every day I will wonder if we really did. 

Every day will be a new day and every day has the potential to be a marvellous day.  I read a book last week called " the hour I first believed" by Wally Lamb.  It's amazing how much the human spirit can endure and still prevail.

So I will prevail.  Like so many of you.

Please - no pity. That's not what this is about.  I am just voicing the struggles that beset so many of us.  What an amazing thing the human mind and heart.  Just when you think you can't take any more you look up and find that you can.

Rant over....