Is there really any such thing as a wonder bra?

Ok, so here we were talking about Friday November 4, 2011 starting off with the dishwasher debacle.  But the week had started with the washing machine debacle - yet to be resolved I hasten to add.

As you will recall I was sipping coffee or some such after the dishwasher guy had left.  Ok it was 3 hours later but I was doing the Sudoku and the Kakuro and the Kenken puzzles in the paper. The doorbell rang again with the parcel delivery man arriving to find me still in my granny outfit in the middle of the day.  He handed me the package and I signed.  He has come to know me now.  2-3 deliveries a week sometimes and most needing a signature will make someone memorable - especially if she looks like something the cat dragged in.


Resigned I sign and we go through what is now the ritual exchange.  "sick again?" he asks.  I sigh and respond "yeh, hayfever. Bad this time" and close the door.  I really need to get my shit together and one day I will surprise him by being properly dressed and coiffed.  One day.

But now I don't care.  My Wonder bras have arrived.  These are the ones with no wire, no hooks, no anything.  They look like a sports bra - one piece knitted into shape - like a crop top.  Now I am happy.  I rush upstairs.  At least MY version of rushing and rip open the packaging.  Wow, they look good.  Three cute little crops, white, nude and black.  I line them up on the bed to admire them.  They look small but they are sooooooo stretchy I am confident they will fit.  Off I go to shower.

A few minutes later I am powdered and deodorised, gelled and dry.  I pause momentarily to remember how the lady on the TV put hers on.  I remember it coming up her body from the waist, not over the head.  But, idiot that I am I decide to go over the head.

Have you ever seen a contortionist and wondered if tangling their joints up the way they do hurts?  Well, I'm here to tell you it does!  No sooner does the lower band clear my head and one shoulder than it snaps back to size effectively noosing itself around my arm pit with my arm sticking up vertically.   My neck is now cricked at a 45 degree angle and I look a bit silly as I glance at the mirror.  It takes a few minutes of wrangling with the thing to get my other arm through its strap and then I stand there with an elastane  harness under my armpits and over my you-know-whats!!!   It takes another couple of minutes to unravel the elastane band which has curled itself up and just doesn't want to face the challenge below.

Meanwhile all these manoeuvres have caused considerable pain on my rheumatic joints and muscles.  I am now looking like a red-horizontally striped zebra as I stand there gasping.  That band was tight!  Eventually I catch my breath and begin to adjust everything (yes gents we do it too just higher up!).   I adjust this way and that but I don't seem to get the effect you see on the TV.  I am already disappointed and start to wonder if I am doing something wrong.  I was sure I followed their instructions while ordering.  They said - "just order your shirt size."  I did.  Except, when ladies order a shirt we order it (at least some of us do) big enough to cover certain flaws. So by ordering your shirt size you get something that, if it was a shirt, will be big enough to go over the bumps and loose enough so the seams don't spilt.  But given I was ordering an elastance bra that would stretch over a Fantasia Hippo I should have thought it through more.  So my advice to anyone considering it is to order the size you wish you were, in the size of the tank top you wish you could wear.  Then it will fit snuggly against the body and keep the girls where you wish they were naturally, instead of where they actually are.

Oh and the other lesson.  Put it on the way they do in the commercial - from the bottom up.  It was much much easier. Take it off in the same way - bottom up.  Put on like panties - take off like T-shirt.  Let me be your guinea pig.  I'll let you know when the bruising subsides.

So,  what am I going to do?  I have ordered a new set, this time the "Genie" bra (they have a return policy - another good thing to check).  I have ordered the next size down.  I have laundered the ones I have and will sell them on ebay.  If this set isn't any good I will then go for the third variety on offer the Ahhhh bra.  If that fails too I will change my name to Ma Kettle and go without.

That was how the middle of my day was ruined.  The internet debacle happened at 4p.m.  If I can take it I will fill you in.

p.s. - the bras are actually phenominally comfortable despite being too big for me.  Just thought you should know.