Golden rules of pregnancy and childbirth..

Was having a chat over coffee with a girlfriend reminiscing over the kids and, more to the point, about the process of having them.

Every time I have narrated the births of my kids everyone gets a few belly laughs out of it.  Oh don't worry I'm not gonna do it here.  But as they laugh I always wonder what part of the process was so amusing to them because NONE of it was fun for me till the next day.  Ok sure I went back for seconds...but that was not my fault....that was genetic imperatives steering me to the cliff edge.  And before anyone thinks it, I know I have 2 beautiful kids and would never change a thing.  I just wished someone would have told me the rules.

1

The 'mask of pregnancy' makes you look like a 12 year old frecklehead.

2

Braxton Hickses 5 minutes apart are ACTUALLY labour.

3

That puddle of water on the floor underneath you doesn't mean your bladder leaked....there was some kinda bag the baby was in... like those bags you roast a chicken in. They both break apparently.

4

Those breathing exercises don't work when you have hubby on one side and a friend on the other talking over your head about cars while a human melon tries to split you in two. Swearing, however, does help a little.

5

The nurse telling you to NOT push doesn't only happen in the movies. It also doesn't work.

6

Babies only weigh about 2-3 kilos so that other 30 really is all YOU!

7

The direction the chicken head falls onto the goats entrails at the azimuth of the something-or-other DOES NOT indicate the sex of your baby.  Next time use a human sacrifice for accuracy.

8

The placenta is the other baby-sized thing they didn't tell you would have to come out as well. 

9

Post partum time is the second time in your life people will be acutely interested in your bowel movements. 

10

Once you have had a baby in a room full of people, all looking at your nethers, you will never be shy again.

My not-so-young-any-more babies --->