Do you ever wonder what you should be doing with your life? I do. All the time. Sometimes people will wish they had it to do over. Kim and I agree - NO THANKS!!! Was tough enough the first time. And yes, maybe you would make different decisions, perhaps you wouldn't hesitate on some things and perhaps you would think twice about others. But does this necessarily mean life would have been better?
I have not met one single person in my journey through time who has NOT had tragedy or unhappiness strike them in some way.
A few weeks ago I wrote a blog about mothers. It may have been obvious that mine was not ideal. I have several friends whose mothers were everything mine was not, and everything I wished I had had. But for a couple of them having a loving relationship with their mother has caused immeasurable pain since their loss. The constant grief oscillating in the background of their lives pains me to see. The annual trauma not only of the day they lost her but also of every birthday, holiday and other celebration seems to me far worse that anything I have ever suffered.
So it begs the question. Would I prefer to have a bad mother or a good one? In some ways the legacy of either stays with you all your life and influences you in ways that are not always obvious. Having a bad mother, one you cannot relate to, one who has done you irreversible emotional harm and one who still drives you crazy even though you are an adult, would seem on the surface to be the unfortunate case.
But, as I look around me, as I watch my friends suffer their loss year after year I really wonder. Added to this I see my own children, for whom I have made it my life's mission to be a better mother than the one I had, worry and fret about me and my health; and I already know that they will be joining Kim and Tracey and others in feeling an irredeemable grief when I go.
This upsets me. It upsets me very much. After spending the past 30 years nuturing them and trying not to repeat the mistakes of others - mostly successfully but not always - I have now created a situation that will inevitabley cause them ongoing pain sometime in the not too distant future.
So, while I could never have not tried to be a better mother to my own babies, I wonder what degree of hurt I have inflicted unwittingly on them in the future.
At my 50th Birthday party my daughter gave a speech. She is a comedian/actor/writer and I wanted her to perform some of her comedy characters for everyone's enjoyment and particularly my own. Instead (although she was funny) she told everyone about all the times I had run to her rescue. In short she spoke as if she were proud of me, as if she loved me, as if I were a special and important person to her and as if I really had been a good mother. I remember laughing and crying. I remember glancing over to my 16 year old son and seeing emotions playing across his face. I remember sitting there thinking "what have I done? These kids love me the poor things". I also remember feeling unworthy of this, but that is another story.
So, two and a half years later with my son now also totally independent I have daily proof of his love as he tries to be helpful, tries to be considerate and let's me nag him about his room without getting angry and laughs instead.
In other words I have daily proof from them both that when I go it will hurt them.
In darker moments over the years as I dealt with other minor health issues I would sometimes wonder what would happen to them if I wasn't around and I would pray (atheist that I am) that I would live just long enough to see them in school, then just long enough to see them finish high school, then long enough to see them graduate from university...then just long enough for this and just long enough for that. I have decided I need to live till I am 136 to see everything that I want see, but then I remember the grandkids and the great grandkids.... maybe I need to be immortal.
So... good life or bad life, good parents or bad parents, there is no escaping one thing. Pain is everywhere. And what I need to do with my life - or the rest of it - is teach my kids how to handle life's curve balls, how to manage the tragedy and the joy alike. I need to give them enough strength of character so that they can move forward with no regrets or backward glances and I need to teach them how to be good parents in return. Because, when all is said and done, the pain of having a parent is inevitable but having the love of that parent is a gift.
*****
Don't forget the giveaway - see Blog entry from 26 September 2011.
My friend, you have outdone yourself here. You are right, pain is everywhere, but you are fortunate enough to have the kind of relationship with your children that you can discuss this with them. Nothing you can say or do will stop them from missing you, but savor every moment that you have with them and they will come out of this so full of love and respect for you, even when you have moved on to another place. You have done so well, I love and respect you immensely, for all you do and all you are.
ReplyDeleteI wonder everyday if the things I say to the kids will damage them permanently and they will only remember me as the nagging, shouting, cranky old mum. I find it hard to remember to play with them and have some fun but I will try harder. Good on you for bringing up two great kids.
ReplyDeleteBecci, just remember this - kids want to forgive their parents - all they need is to feel loved. If you are doing things you regret - TELL THEM! Contrary to popular belief it is not a sign of weakness but of strength in a parent to admit they are not perfect. You will be teaching the kids that everyone is fallible and they will learn how easy it is to say sorry. Tell them sorry and tell them you love them - that is all the food they need to become good adults.
ReplyDeleteOh and just to set the record straight - I WAS a nagging, cranky old mum a lot of times and we did bang heads often. But I always, ALWAYS told them I was sorry, explained why it had happened and told them I loved them as I tucked them into bed each night. No one is perfect - least of all me.
You are a switched on young mum - eager to be a good mum and you WILL be.
Dear Marlia, No mother is perfect, not even the best and most loving. And as someone who just lost my wonderful mother 2 months ago, I can tell you that even though the pain is indescribable, the happy memories make it all worthwhile.
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