Autumn

Autumn

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

What made me happy today #8

Today I was made deliriously happy by the nicest service tech I have ever met.

Not only was he half an hour early and asked permission to come in early or offered to come back in half an hour.

But, he was jovial, polite, respectful and QUICK.

He even asked me to tell him what I thought the problem might be and what might be causing it.

He did his job, cleaned up after himself, shook my hand and wished me a great day.

OMG its a modern miracle... or a harkening to a time long gone of good old-fashioned manners.

He left and I felt absolutely NONE of the frustration and anger I usually feel after a tradie has turned up late, made a mess, treated me like an inconvenience, taken 10 calls on my time and given me no indication of when he will return to finish.

Thank you Mr Dishwasher repair man.  Thank you for you manners, thank you for actually fixing my dishwasher and thank you for treating me like a valued customer.

*****

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

What made me happy today #7

Talking to my step daughter on facebook for an hour.  

An amazing technological marvel that let's us chat and share pictures from opposites sides of the globe sits on my lap and gives me the world.

How lucky is anyone who lives in a developed country? How can anyone feel homesick or lonely for distant family and friends when they are there at just the touch of a button?

I may not be able to hug them but oh my how happy it makes me just to talk to them for free.

Twitter, Facebook, email, instant messaging, webcams and blogs.

What  a wonderful time to be alive.

Monday, August 29, 2011

What made me happy today #6

I woke up this morning to thundering rain outside.
By the time I got up, dressed and made the coffee it had stopped.  

The sun came out as if it had been waiting for me. I know that's not possible...but it felt good pretending.  

After all who's to know - except you of course.

*****

The treasures in the garage

I have spent weeks and months now trying to buy little things for the house that I feel will make it a bit more homey.  But of course I am not rich and so I am watching for sales and trawling through ebay.  

I have been successful too - replacing things which were bought on the cheap many years ago, by  replacing them on the even cheaper as I bag bargain after bargain on ebay.  With a little spit and polish the house is starting to look a little closer to classy/homey rather cheap and nasty. 

The thing is someone asked me recently why I was buying old and second hand when I could now, with just a bit of economy, save up for brand new stuff.  I got very huffy and said 'it is not OLD stuff, it is VINTAGE'.  There's a difference you know.

I recently acquired an Eames era, teak lounge suite.  It is gorgeous with its 2 swivel chairs and the nice bed settee couch which I wanted for the storage ability under it.  It has 2 footstools that with a whisk of the hand (ie lifting off of the cushion) become extra coffee tables.  A month before I bought another Eames teak recliner chair on ebay - purchase price $1.25.  My house is starting to look a bit 60's sleek and teak.  I love it.

 As I explained to my cheeky friend that when you live in a 40 year old house you can't put brand new glossy furniture in it - it doesn't look right.  She scoffed. I don't care.  She may know design trends (she studied you know! pffft!)  But I know what makes me happy.  And this stuff does.

So back to the original reason for this post.....

I still need some storage type things for the back veranda, and I have been trawling the net for stuff.   As I stood in the garage an hour ago putting on the second coat of varnish on my new (bought from ebay for $60) laundry door, I looked up and saw the old louvred kitchen pantry from the old house (17 years ago) sitting dutifully and patiently off to the side.  Dear old thing.  It is in perfect condition, just a bit dusty and well used.  It has never complained about being left in the dark recesses of the garage and has housed many things at different times.  Right now it is full of old soccer balls, footballs, tennis balls, electrical wires and dust fuzzies.  I must say I felt a strange nostalgia creep into my bones.  I finished painting the door and came in for a rest.  As I sit here drinking my coffee it occurs to me that I have something here worth probably nothing out there but full of memories for me. 

First it was a cupboard for the laundry in the old house.   Then when I replaced the single laundry trough with a double I had plenty of storage for laundry things.  So then it became a toy cupboard for my son.  When we moved to this house it became storage for all the pet things, food, toys, leads, balls, worming pills and flea powders.   When the dog, and a succession of cats, died  it went into the garage where it has doubled as extra pantry, storage for my crafts, tool box and ball receptacle.

So, since my son is now 18 and wont be needing all the plastic balls it is time to rejuvenate and re-position my single pantry cupboard.  In a few minutes I will go out, empty it, clean it, start sanding and painting it and it will take up a new position on the veranda with pride of place as the new pillow and blanket cupboard for the outdoor furniture. 

Why love some else's pre-loved goodies when I have some of my very own.


******

Sunday, August 28, 2011

What made me happy today #5

First I need to set the scene.

Hubby works in a sometimes dangerous environment where it is possible for him to be assaulted.

So...... what made me happy today??

Hubby came home.

Bandaged, bruised and somewhat worse for wear.  But he is here.

The sad truth about mothers

The sad truth about mothers is that some of us love them and some of us don't.    It's not about the love-hate stuff people always talk about.  That's a nonsense.

You can love your mother and still occassionally get annoyed, or frustrated, or impatient. You can love her and still disagree.  Those moments are not hate.  Believe me.  I have one of those sometimes tumultuous relationships with my daughter (we are both mediterannean drama queens).  We can bicker and disagree sometimes (though less so as the years roll on),  but the love is always there. Do you know how I know?  I know because neither one of us enjoys the rough moments - and they are moments, not days, weeks or years....

But the hating of a mother is something very serious, something deep in your core, something immovable, something that came not easily but stayed.  Nevertheless, you can hate your mother and still be a good and dutiful daughter.  You must be a good and dutiful daughter for 2 reasons:
  1. To retain your own humanity
  2. To set a good example for your own children
I am a good and dutiful daughter but I am a better mother.  I have willingly made all the sacrifices for my kids that were never made for me.  I have given protection to my kids from harm, not life, that was never given to me.  I have spoken words to them that every child needs to hear and which were never spoken to me. I have made apologies to them, for mistakes and decisions I have made which affected them, which have never been made to me.  I have held them and consoled them and stood by them in ways that were never done for me.  And I have held them - mechanically and deliberately at first and then protectrively and lovingly and sometimes desperately - as I have never been held.

Do you know what the most hurtful words any wounded child could ever hear are?
She's your mother. You have to forgive her.

No.... I don't.  And any friend, who truly is a friend would never ask such a thing.  I have truncated several friendships in the last decade because of those words.

Now before you get all preachy on me let me say a few more things:

Firstly - I am not a vindictive person.  I am damaged yes, but I have made it my life's mission to be a different human being from the models I was exposed to growing up.  I believe I have succeeded and have daily proof from friends, colleagues, husband and especially from my two children.
Second - Not forgiving or forgetting the injuries inflicted on me through all my formative years, and beyond, validates the harm and the pain I suffered.  To tell me otherwise is ludicrous.  Do we forgive the murderers, the thieves, the rapists, the abusers?  No, we punish them and we tag them for life.  And some of them are parents, just not ours.

So, I will not forgive or forget.  I cannot invoke a punishment, but do not tell me to forget or forgive because that is like telling me it never happened.  That, to me, is abuse of the victim.

I see a lot of crap on the TV on Talk shows about not being able to move forward unless we forgive those who trespass against us (thought I'd throw in a religious reference).  Stuff and nonsense. What we should be telling people and helping them with is growth from the past.  Tell us to use those experiences to be better.  Vindicate us as human beings, validate our lives and experiences by acknowledging them.  Sympathise with us, empathise, condole for our lost youth, help us to analyse it.  Don't tell us to forget.  And forgiving is just implicit retrospective permission for bad behaviour. 

My very dear friend Kim (aka Hopeful Writer) said to me many times and again last night that all those things that have happened in the past have made me the woman that I am.  She didnt mean that what happened was good.  She meant that I grew strong out of them.  And the subtext was that they should never happened...but they did and I have done an amazing job becoming the me of today.  Thank you Kimmy.  That is what a true friend is.

Today I love my life.  I love my children and admire them so much.  I love my husband just for being able to live with me (that's a joke peeps).  I love my home, my books, my garden. I love my true friends. I am happy. 

It took 50 years to get to this point. But that's Ok. It's Ok because I made it and I never thought I would.

Don't feel sorry for me.  Just understand why I cannot relate to people who love their mothers dearly and miss them dreadfully.  Kimmy and Tracey, I can't feel what you feel and sometimes I am almost envious.  But I know what my kids will feel.  I know now what it is to truly love a child and be truly loved in return.  I now know how that feeling drives you to do anything, at whatever cost, to protect them.  My children taught me that lesson - ironic eh?  And that is good enough for me.  My heart is open and my conscience is clear.

Don't judge....learn.


********

Saturday, August 27, 2011

What made me happy today #4a


I cooked this.  Boy was it good.  And oh boy did it make me feel good for a number of reasons.  
  1. It looks pretty
  2. It is healthy
  3. I did it all myself
  4. My son loved it (shock horror)
  5. There are left overs for tomorrow - yipeee.
Is anyone else out there worried about my sanity yet. 



What made me happy today #4

Saturday morning sunshine, freshly brewed coffee, a warm croissant, the Samurai sudoku and a cat purring on my lap.  Bliss.

Winter, Winter, wherefore art thou Winter....


I have been freezing for 3 months now.   I have loved winter my whole life until this year.  Is it age, is the rheumatoid arthritis, is it just that I have spent this past winter at home on leave from work and just felt it more?  I don't know.
I am not going to drag us all down by bemoaning my trials through life, but I will say that I have only a handful of memories, that I cherish.  Winter features prominently in a lot of those memories.

My kids were born in the cooler months, my first ever full-time office job started in winter of 1988, I met my hubby in a northern hemisphere winter.

There are other events but I won't bore you with a list.  The heart of the matter is that I always seemed to come alive in the winter.  When everyone else shut down I opened up.  I got active, I got energised.  In my teens I would read books in the window and feel the cold glass on my skin as I leaned against it. Or I would snuggle up in front of the fire.  I felt cocooned and maybe that had something to do with it. I felt secluded and happy.

 As an adult I would put on my galoshes/wellingtons/gumboots (I am catering to a global audience) and potter about the garden in the chill air and somtimes the rain.  I loved it.   

I felt most comfortable in the season of hibernation.  When the trees were bare, and ice covered the puddles. Something about the earth resting appealed to me.

I still love the winter and the winter garden. But this year being home and suddenly realising how much it costs to heat the house all day, and not wanting to do it.  And realising how danged cold it is when you go out to do the shopping and carry it in with frozen fingers.  And trying hard to think of nice winter meals to feed the family...every single (insert expletive) day... has been hard.  There is just more pressure to do it when you are home all day.  Can't just throw a steak and some microwaved frozen vegies on the table.

I have been a working mother for 25 years.  I don't know how to sit still but I am hampered by the arthritis so I can't move fast enough to work up a sweat. So, shivering through each day has made this the first winter ever that I wish would just go away.

Having said that, I sooooooo love watching the garden gird itself for the spring explosion.  Love watching the buds on the trees swelling ready to burst open, love how everything shrivels up into itself, storing its energy for the spring eruption.  I see all the potential in each plant, stored in the changing bark, the budding branches, the leafless beauty and shape you can only see in the winter.

I guess I will have to change how I respond to winter from now on.  Can't ferret around out there anymore but can sit here in my comfy chair and just get lost in its wonder.  I can look out of my kitchen window and see what you can see in the picture I have added.  And I can take in a deep breathe and let the beauty and wonder of it calm me.

Instead of lamenting the loss of my ability to engage in the winter garden I will nurture the ability to just observe and appreciate it.  I will also try to document it as I have been since I started this blog - thanks to my friend Hopeful Writer who opened my eyes to the power of the digital camera. 

So, no more whingeing about how cold it is or how expensive to run the central heating.  Instead, I will run the damned central heating and I will relax about it.  I will sit here and day dream. I will watch the grass grow ever so slowly, the buds form, the aganthus flower spikes slowly spiral upwards.  I will watch the first pink blossoms of the nectarine tree win the race to spring.  I will count the camellia blossoms that fall and carpet the mulch below.  I will farewell the wilting jonquils and daffodils and welcome the rise of the bluebells, the rununculi, the freesias and all the other bulbs I have planted over the years and keep forgetting are there ..... CRS syndrome...

In short I will remember why I love winter so much and I will just adapt to my aging body and find new ways to appreciate and interact with it.

I just glanced out of the window and saw for the 100th time all the blossoms on my lime tree.  I sighed contentedly.  I realise now why I have been feeling this way - I think they call it cabin fever.  I have never been cooped up at home through a winter before. Fortunately I have wasted only one winter on this silliness - actually only part of it.  What a close call.

The bare red bark of the japanese maple right outside the window here beckons.  It is still only a juvenile tree but already it knows its role and function.  Dazzling bark in the winter, comforting leafy canopy in the summer.  Two more years, maybe even one, and it will be a magnificent sight and provide direct shade from the harsh australian late afternoon summer sun.

All this rambling has restored me.  Welcome back winter.  It's a shame you will be departing soon.  I will behave better next year I promise.