Ok so now we know. Cancer. The word should have exploded from the doctor's mouth. There should have been a collective human gasp enveloping us. The floor should have shook and the walls should have shuddered. Because that is what was happening inside me.
Instead. The word was spoken softly by a man who has said it many many times, perhaps too many, to many many people...and again too many.
He said it and he paused. My world 'contracted thus' and all I could hear was the whooshing of my heartbeat in my ears. I remembered myself in a moment and reached out to hold Jeff's hand.
All I could think about was what would happen to me. Isn't it sad? All I could think about was how I was going to tell his daughter, or how I would manage his recovery. All I could think about was how I was feeling.
Then I looked at Jeff. I saw the panic in his eyes. I saw him sitting rigid trying to listen to the doctor and absorb the information that was now coming fast at us.
What a lonely time for the patient! What a lonely time for the wife of the patient!
Now it is mid afternoon. All the arrangements are made. Most of the calls/text/emails to family and friends have been seen to. Return calls/emails and texts are piling up. Many will call tonight when they get home from work. We have tacitly agreed a script just from hearing each other talk to others. I wish I was at work. I will go tomorrow even though the fear in my heart is overwhelming.
We may be lucky and they get it all. We may be lucky that we never ever have another problem with it. We may be lucky. But luck has not been my friend in this life.
Oh, Marlia, I am so sorry. You are both in my prayers. Having been through it with Kenneth I know there is nothing anyone can say that will make the numbness go away. Just know that I am here for you and I care.
ReplyDeleteKaren - thank you. There are so many people who have lived through it that it is inspiring. But I never expected the sense of aloneness we feel. I know Jeff is terrified and naturally so but I never expected the loneliness. It is a strange time. I am glad to hear Kenneth is OK.
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry. I remember when my Dad called me at work to tell me he had it when he was only going to the doctor for a cold. I remember hearing the whooshing, I couldn't talk and had to rush out of work to avoid facing anybody. It is indeed a lonely feeling.
ReplyDeleteThanks Becci - I am discovering that so many people have lived thru it. Gives me strength.
DeleteMay luck follow. I've been there with family members-I know what it's like. The good thing? You're not alone.
ReplyDeleteThank you Mr P. I have learned that illness if a family affair, it truly is. We'll be ok.
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